Submitted for Best Christmas Card of all time. Greetings (your name)! What an amazing year it has been and it’s almost over, in case you don’t understand how a calendar works. How quickly time passes especially when our family is busy doing amazing things, a few of which we will embellish to inspire and warm your hearts. After all, this is the giving season. It’s hard to believe that it was only January when Josh quit his professional career to pursue his musical dream of playing back-up keyboard for a Styx Tribute Band. His semi-star success on Tuesday and Thursday nights has been an amazing transformation to witness. When Josh isn’t playing at packed American Legions or obsessively grooming his hair, he is on the road as a pageant dad, coaching Lucy to international stardom. Sarah has decided to go from a full-time mom and pursue her dream by becoming a part-time mom. As many of you know, Lucy has been raised to pageant pedigree and ever since joining the pageantry circuit last year, she has been sweeping every competition and currently holds three international Ultimate Dream Queen titles, eight national Grand Supreme Queen titles, five Mini Supreme titles also including America’s Grand Miss National 2011-12 Champion and was recently titled Miss Christmas Crystal Cutie 2012 by a board of very famous judges. Obviously, we’re afraid her obsession with self-image will go to her head, so we encourage her to give back to the community through public speaking engagements focusing on the health benefits of toddler self-tanning and teeth whitening. Aside from receiving many prestigious awards and attending ceremonies in her name, we also encourage Lucy to attend public community events for signing autographs for self promotion. Another amazing event this year was the birth and family addition of Jack in September. Not to be outdone by his sister, he is already the youngest performer at the Monte Carlo Las Vegas Resort Casino and has opened up for the Blue Man Group, twice. Last month, Justin Bieber commented on his Facebook status which was the critical event needed to launch his career. He has been named America’s Hottest Music and Dance Act of 2012 by the American Committee of Music and Dance and is planning to release his first EP, titled “Baba” on Def Jam recordings in early 2013. In closing, our family has had a very busy year doing many amazing things, too many to list here and we want to thank you for your support. Please know that you have been an important part of our year, (your name), and this Christmas season we hope to cast a shining light of inspiration for other families to follow distantly in our footsteps. Sincerest Regards, The Hopkins Newsletter inspiration from Soren Bowie and Tim Siedell
Pop-upView Separately

Submitted for Best Christmas Card of all time.

Greetings (your name)!

What an amazing year it has been and it’s almost over, in case you don’t understand how a calendar works. How quickly time passes especially when our family is busy doing amazing things, a few of which we will embellish to inspire and warm your hearts. After all, this is the giving season.

It’s hard to believe that it was only January when Josh quit his professional career to pursue his musical dream of playing back-up keyboard for a Styx Tribute Band. His semi-star success on Tuesday and Thursday nights has been an amazing transformation to witness. When Josh isn’t playing at packed American Legions or obsessively grooming his hair, he is on the road as a pageant dad, coaching Lucy to international stardom.

Sarah has decided to go from a full-time mom and pursue her dream by becoming a part-time mom.

As many of you know, Lucy has been raised to pageant pedigree and ever since joining the pageantry circuit last year, she has been sweeping every competition and currently holds three international Ultimate Dream Queen titles, eight national Grand Supreme Queen titles, five Mini Supreme titles also including America’s Grand Miss National 2011-12 Champion and was recently titled Miss Christmas Crystal Cutie 2012 by a board of very famous judges. Obviously, we’re afraid her obsession with self-image will go to her head, so we encourage her to give back to the community through public speaking engagements focusing on the health benefits of toddler self-tanning and teeth whitening. Aside from receiving many prestigious awards and attending ceremonies in her name, we also encourage Lucy to attend public community events for signing autographs for self promotion.

Another amazing event this year was the birth and family addition of Jack in September. Not to be outdone by his sister, he is already the youngest performer at the Monte Carlo Las Vegas Resort Casino and has opened up for the Blue Man Group, twice. Last month, Justin Bieber commented on his Facebook status which was the critical event needed to launch his career. He has been named America’s Hottest Music and Dance Act of 2012 by the American Committee of Music and Dance and is planning to release his first EP, titled “Baba” on Def Jam recordings in early 2013.

In closing, our family has had a very busy year doing many amazing things, too many to list here and we want to thank you for your support. Please know that you have been an important part of our year, (your name), and this Christmas season we hope to cast a shining light of inspiration for other families to follow distantly in our footsteps.

Sincerest Regards,

The Hopkins


Newsletter inspiration from Soren Bowie and Tim Siedell

tomoatmeal: A SCENE FROM MY LATEST ACTION MOVIE! There is this scene where the main spy is pretending to be a referee and then one of the bad guys recognizes him and is like, “Get him!  That’s the main spy!”  Then they chase the main spy over to this mall and he runs into a Foot Locker.  One of the bad guys is like, “We’ll get him now because this place is tiny!”  But then they realize that it’s really hard to find the main spy due to the referee-themed dress code for Foot Locker employees.  Also, we can see that the main spy is super intelligent because when the goons are looking for him, he is successfully helping this woman find some shoes that provide adequate arch support at a fairly reasonable price.  Plus he tells her that she can have them at half price even though he doesn’t work there, which is really charming.  Then the main spy decides to just keep working at Foot Locker for a decade or so. This is why I love Tom Oatmeal.
View Separately

tomoatmeal:

A SCENE FROM MY LATEST ACTION MOVIE!

There is this scene where the main spy is pretending to be a referee and then one of the bad guys recognizes him and is like, “Get him!  That’s the main spy!”  Then they chase the main spy over to this mall and he runs into a Foot Locker.  One of the bad guys is like, “We’ll get him now because this place is tiny!”  But then they realize that it’s really hard to find the main spy due to the referee-themed dress code for Foot Locker employees.  Also, we can see that the main spy is super intelligent because when the goons are looking for him, he is successfully helping this woman find some shoes that provide adequate arch support at a fairly reasonable price.  Plus he tells her that she can have them at half price even though he doesn’t work there, which is really charming.  Then the main spy decides to just keep working at Foot Locker for a decade or so.

This is why I love Tom Oatmeal.
From: David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am To: Matthew S Subject: R.S.V.P. Dear Matthew, Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there? Regards, David. From: Matthew S Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: R.S.V.P. Hi David Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like. Cheers Matthew From: David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm To: Matthew S Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Thanks Matthew, Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided? Regards, David. From: Matthew S Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Hi David As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate. Cheers Matthew From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm To: Matthew S Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Dear Matthew, I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to – if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends. Regards, David. From: Matthew S Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1? From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm To: Matthew S Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Hi Matthew, I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones – I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most. Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight. Regards, David. From: Matthew S Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1? From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am To: Matthew S Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Hello Matthew, I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night. It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it. Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars. Regards, David. From: Matthew S Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man. From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am To: Matthew S Subject: Party Hello Matthew, I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata. Regards, David. via Emails From Crazy People
View Separately

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew S
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to – if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones – I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew S
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Regards, David.

via Emails From Crazy People